4 weeks on...

This time 4 weeks ago I was holed up in a hospital room, feeling a bit worse for wear! In that time, I have achieved a great deal.

I progressed from walking a few steps, to walking 1.6ks at the park, to walking 5ks. It astounds me and makes me so proud that 2 weeks after the surgery, I was able to walk 5ks! I look forward to continuing to build up my walking strength, all the while, loving the sunshine and gorgeous weather.

I have also made other gains in terms of exercise. I have loved the exercises my physio has given me. I have been waking up at 4.30 / 5am each morning and doing them; then I do them once again later in the day. Each session takes me about 30-40 mins. I'm working on my core and building the 6 pack that will take me into the future! Also today, I cycled for the first time on the bike in the gym!! I rode for 10 mins and did 2.5ks - I felt so good. For the first time in nearly 9 weeks, it didn't matter that my leg / foot are numb. I could push the pedals around and the function in my legs felt close to 100%! Bike riding is my new friend.

I have returned to work. This week, I went back part-time. I have been working about 6 hours each day and leaving at lunch time. It has been an amazing week, filled with a lot of joy. I have loved being back at work with my colleagues and students. There is a sense of empowerment that comes with being strong enough to work again. I have had to take it easy and I'm pooped when I get home, but nothing a little nap can't take care of. I have loved every minute of this week.

I have continued to focus on the power of the mind to heal the body. By focusing on the positives and embracing the changes I have gone through, I feel very grateful for what I have learned about myself and life during this time. When faced with challenges, we are forced to grow.

This weekend, I look forward to setting some goals for the coming months...

A learning process

Today I was making myself focus on the positives of this whole process. I mean, it's been 6 weeks, which is rather a lengthy stint. I was feeling a little down and as though the end was never in sight.

I broadly concluded that without a doubt, I have learned lessons and things about myself during this time in a way that I probably wouldn't have otherwise learned.

So, in a roundabout kind of way, I was starting to feel grateful for this process.

I mused that:
- I have learned that I can endure extreme pain and come out the other side in tact.
- I have learned to shoulder bad news ranging from: No sitting for 3 weeks to no work for weeks if not months to no more running to no feeling in my legs / feet to an urgent need for surgery lest I become paralysed...
- I have learned to make the best of this time by reading, blogging, connecting with friends and family and generally setting myself on a positive path.
- I have learned that I have an inner strength that I never knew was there.
- I have learned that chocolate and wine really do make things better.
- I have learned more about the power of the mind-body connection. As such, I have allowed my body to heal itself, while focussing on my mind. In other words, "We are what we think", in the same way that "We are what we eat".
- I have learned that I really am a goal-oriented person (although I think I already knew this one!)
- I have learned to be so grateful for a condition that has a 100% cure.
- I have learned that the support of family and friends is crucial during hard times.
- I have learned to celebrate the smallest of victories.
- I have learned that my body and health are precious. We must do all we can to look after ourselves.
- I have learned to be patient.
- I have learned a lot about backs and discs!
- I have learned to trust medical professionals.
- I have learned to not Google my condition :)
- I have learned to be grateful for all the time I have had on my hands.
- I've even learned a few new yummy recipes :)

As my mind was wandering, I started to get a funny feeling in my left foot.

Upon doing my usual poke and prod test, it was with elation that I discovered that some of the feeling had returned to my toes and the sole of my foot!

Do you know what it feels like to FINALLY get some signs of progress after 6 weeks?

Let me tell you, it feels good.

When Matt returned home from work, I shared the good news with him and sobbed tears of relief and joy.

My body was literally convulsing from the pure relief that finally there was some improvement.

All I could think was 'FINALLY!!!!!'.

A lot has been learned so far and this is only the beginning of the next exciting stage of my life, which will be more amazing than I can ever imagine!

Stepping out into the future

The neurosurgeon surprised me (in a good way!) by telling me that in the week following my surgery I should be heading out walking. He said to increase by ten minutes each day. So that's what I did. And more!

My lovely mum and I started out small on Day 1 and just walked across the road to the supermarket and back.

On Day 2 we tackled a mall - we took it easy with coffee and lunch stops in between and I felt so liberated to be out in society!

On Day 3 we went to an even bigger mall. After much strategy, we negotiated our way around. And bought a few fun items in the process!

On Day 4 we tackled the park. We walked 1.6 ks in 36 minutes and I was as proud as punch.

On Day 5 we walked 2.0ks and ALSO went to the mall! Wowzers - what a blockbuster day!

On Day 6 and 7 we walked 2.4ks. And today I walked 2.8ks in 50 minutes.

The feeling of getting out and about is good on so many levels. Firstly, it gives me a goal for the day and a clear focus on what I want to achieve. Since I kind of thrive on achieving goals, this is clearly a winning formula for me.

Secondly, the freedom of walking is so incredibly uplifting. One of life's simplest activities is now the highlight of my day! The sunshine, the breeze, the fellow walkers, the greenery. I love it!

Thirdly, I love that with each and every step, I am making my body stronger. While I am walking, I envisage just how far I'll be able to walk by the end of the week / end of the month / in April in Australia / in June in America. It's a fun visualisation process!

With each step, I am creating my future. And it's one I am very excited about!

You can do anything you put your heart, mind and soul into.

Far more than you can imagine.

Be fearless.

Do it.

- LL COOL J

Choosing hope

The news of being told on Sunday that I must go in for an urgent micro-discectomy operation this Thursday has hit me hard.

In the place of hope, positivity and determination, a whole new set of words has filled my mind.

These words circle around and around all day in my mind. The wake me up at night. They remind me why my heart has been heavy and sad for over 4 weeks now. The remind me of why my eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat and my voice no longer sounds like my own.

The words that have filled my mind since Sunday have been a never-ending stream of :
Surgery; urgent; incisions; discs; recovery; anaesthesia; operation; nerves; lack of feeling; numbness; pain; insurance; hospital; medication; sadness, fear, sorrow, disappointment; exhaustion; intrepidation; apprehension; fatigue.

When I type those words, they roll off my fingers and tongue in an instant. The are just words. But oh boy, those words have changed my paradigm of thinking in a big way. I have cried the saddest of tears as I have struggled to process the changes in my life.

But as of today, I am choosing to firmly compartmentalise the negative thoughts and emotions. I am putting them in a metaphoric box and letting them sail off into the sunset. They are not words or feelings that I have ever associated with myself, and I am not about to let them start to be the forces that shape who I am. They have done that for 3 days and that's already 3 days too many.

As of today, I am making a firm decision, with bold conviction, to choose hope.

I am going to look deep within myself to refocus on hope.
With hope, I believe that I can be carried forward into a life that is even better than my life has previously been.
It is about what fuels the essence of my being.
It is making a choice about what will define me.
It is knowing that hope will give me not only the ability to get through this, but to triumph.
Hope is my choice over any other possibility.

And with hope comes a whole new set of words that will once again fill my mind and shape my path:
Happiness; vision; plans; new goals; strong health; strong mind; conviction; courage; faith; love; belief; dreams; determination; peace; excitement; energy; joy and positivity.

These are the words that represent who I am and how I plan to live my life as I head into surgery, recover from the operation and forge ahead into my life.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve

Neurosurgeon Eve...

Today is "Neurosurgeon Eve". Not quite as exciting as Christmas Eve, but there is nonetheless a sense of anticipation and nervous excitement involved.

Tomorrow has been a long time coming. When I made the appointment 2 1/2 weeks ago for the first available slot, January 22nd seemed like eons away. I felt sure and confident that I would be healed by then and that I would not even need to attend the appointment. I felt like I had the strength, power and know-how to heal my body in what seemed like the vast amount of time I had.

As the time has drawn closer, I have still held steadfast in the belief that my numbness and pain would be gone by January 22nd. I have certainly made progress. Hello! I can now shower myself and I can even get my pants on by myself as long as I sit down to do it. Major accomplishments in my book. But can I feel my left leg? Not so much. Am I pain-free? Um, next question.

That leaves me with tomorrow's appointment. There are many words to sum up how I am currently feeling: Nervous, curious, morose, interested, excited, teary, faithful, scared, optimistic and apprehensive. That's a cocktail of contradictory emotions right there.

But the overiding feeling is one of fear. The thought of potentially having spinal surgery terrifies me. But that is all I am going to say about that because what will be, will be. The situation is what it is. These things happen for a reason. And let's face it, if I need surgery then I am all for it. I wanna get back to living my full, active life.

I remain glued to the belief that my life is unfolding exactly as it should.

Today's mental goal: "No matter where you are, no matter how difficult things might appear to be, you are always being moved towards magnificence. Always."

Today's physical goals: Today was a very active day (after some days of pretty bad pain). I achieved a trip to the supermarket; a walk to the gym and back; 5 mins pool walking and 30 mins traction; lunch out with a friend. I'm feeling quite good, but my right hip / butt cheek are not my friends at the moment. And neither is my left leg for that matter.

Say a little prayer for me that the neurosurgeon's diagnosis is the best path for me and that it is the one that will lead to me being able to live a full and active life again soon.

Today...

Today... I reveled in the fact that I went out for dinner last night for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I reminisced about my fun outing with friends for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I hardly recognised myself when I wore something other than a sweat suit for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I went beyond the limits of my suburb for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... I was like a kid in a candy store when I went shopping for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today... we planned for a positive, healthy future and we made holiday bookings for July.

And because of all the above, today... I felt like a normal person for the first time in 4 weeks.

Today's physical goal: Go out for coffee, walk around the mall (the world's BIGGEST mall at that); feel good afterwards. Done. (Even if the walk around the mall was a 15 minute hobble).

Today's mental goal: "Look for the gifts in everything; especially when you appear to be facing a negative situation. Adjusting to a new path and a new direction requires new qualities and strengths, and these qualities are always exactly what we require to accomplish the great things ahead in our lives".

Meditation

Before I get out of bed each morning, I do a 6 minute healing meditation. It is a positive start to my day; it reminds me of what I should be focussing on and it sets an intention for a health-filled day.

The part I especially like is when the guy says a number of phrases that I repeat back to myself. They include things such as "You are getting stronger every day"; "Your energy and vitality are increasing daily" and my personal favourite "Every cell in your body is vibrating with health and energy".

It may be odd to think of me laying in bed saying these things out loud to myself, but at this point in time, I am willing to pull out all the stops to heal my back injury!

Today's mental goal: To carry some of the phrases with me throughout the day. Today I have been repeating "Every cell in your body is vibrating with health and energy" as I've done all my stretches and exercises. If nothing else, it totally takes the focus of the pain and redirects it to healing!

Today's physical goal: Sore, sore sore today :( Hence, I didn't head over to the pool at the gym, but rather did my exercises in our pool downstairs. I kinda need to save my energy because tonight I am going out for dinner with a group of friends. It's just going to be a quick, easy dinner - I think we're going to a yummy Italian restaurant. Given that I can only sit in 20 minute blocks, I plan on getting up and walking for 5 minutes every 20 minutes to keep things limber. This is my first meal out since Christmas Day! Wish me luck!