Firsts

So many "firsts" since the you-know-what have been happening in my life in the last couple of weeks:

- First time swimming proper laps complete with arm and leg action!
- First time driving the car!
- First time riding 30 mins on the bike!
- First time being able to stand on my tip toes!
- First time doing a workout before school!
- First time on the reformer Pilates machine!
- First time being told (by many people) how much better I am walking!
- First time wearing clothing that does not involve an elasticised waistband!
- First time of working a full day!

And yes, every.single.one of those warrants an exclamation point!

How times have changed.

I've just returned from my first pool session since the you-know-what. I was 'allowed' (as per my physio's strict instructions) to 'swim' a whopping total of 8 laps.

I use the term 'swim' loosely as I wasn't allowed to kick. Swimming without kicking, you ask?? I had to use a pull-buoy (I just learned that's what you call the bit of foam you put between your legs, so you don't use them) and just use my arms. Have you ever tried to do backstroke with one of those babies jammed between your legs? Not easy. After too many more workouts like this, I expect I shall have biceps akin to Arnie Schwarnegger. (See back surgery DOES have its pros).

And I was also 'allowed' to walk 12 laps. Forwards. Backwards. And just to jazz things up a little, sidewards.

The result - I am absolutely buggered. As a result of being buggered I am also alarmed / depressed at my lack of fitness. Pre you-know-what I swam 40-60 laps like it weren't no thang. Now, I am a slobbering mess after said 'workout' above.

Still, when I report to my physio tomorrow, I am hoping she will let me up the ante. Maybe next week, I'll be 'allowed' to 'swim' 10 whole laps.

We can hope :)

4 weeks on...

This time 4 weeks ago I was holed up in a hospital room, feeling a bit worse for wear! In that time, I have achieved a great deal.

I progressed from walking a few steps, to walking 1.6ks at the park, to walking 5ks. It astounds me and makes me so proud that 2 weeks after the surgery, I was able to walk 5ks! I look forward to continuing to build up my walking strength, all the while, loving the sunshine and gorgeous weather.

I have also made other gains in terms of exercise. I have loved the exercises my physio has given me. I have been waking up at 4.30 / 5am each morning and doing them; then I do them once again later in the day. Each session takes me about 30-40 mins. I'm working on my core and building the 6 pack that will take me into the future! Also today, I cycled for the first time on the bike in the gym!! I rode for 10 mins and did 2.5ks - I felt so good. For the first time in nearly 9 weeks, it didn't matter that my leg / foot are numb. I could push the pedals around and the function in my legs felt close to 100%! Bike riding is my new friend.

I have returned to work. This week, I went back part-time. I have been working about 6 hours each day and leaving at lunch time. It has been an amazing week, filled with a lot of joy. I have loved being back at work with my colleagues and students. There is a sense of empowerment that comes with being strong enough to work again. I have had to take it easy and I'm pooped when I get home, but nothing a little nap can't take care of. I have loved every minute of this week.

I have continued to focus on the power of the mind to heal the body. By focusing on the positives and embracing the changes I have gone through, I feel very grateful for what I have learned about myself and life during this time. When faced with challenges, we are forced to grow.

This weekend, I look forward to setting some goals for the coming months...

A learning process

Today I was making myself focus on the positives of this whole process. I mean, it's been 6 weeks, which is rather a lengthy stint. I was feeling a little down and as though the end was never in sight.

I broadly concluded that without a doubt, I have learned lessons and things about myself during this time in a way that I probably wouldn't have otherwise learned.

So, in a roundabout kind of way, I was starting to feel grateful for this process.

I mused that:
- I have learned that I can endure extreme pain and come out the other side in tact.
- I have learned to shoulder bad news ranging from: No sitting for 3 weeks to no work for weeks if not months to no more running to no feeling in my legs / feet to an urgent need for surgery lest I become paralysed...
- I have learned to make the best of this time by reading, blogging, connecting with friends and family and generally setting myself on a positive path.
- I have learned that I have an inner strength that I never knew was there.
- I have learned that chocolate and wine really do make things better.
- I have learned more about the power of the mind-body connection. As such, I have allowed my body to heal itself, while focussing on my mind. In other words, "We are what we think", in the same way that "We are what we eat".
- I have learned that I really am a goal-oriented person (although I think I already knew this one!)
- I have learned to be so grateful for a condition that has a 100% cure.
- I have learned that the support of family and friends is crucial during hard times.
- I have learned to celebrate the smallest of victories.
- I have learned that my body and health are precious. We must do all we can to look after ourselves.
- I have learned to be patient.
- I have learned a lot about backs and discs!
- I have learned to trust medical professionals.
- I have learned to not Google my condition :)
- I have learned to be grateful for all the time I have had on my hands.
- I've even learned a few new yummy recipes :)

As my mind was wandering, I started to get a funny feeling in my left foot.

Upon doing my usual poke and prod test, it was with elation that I discovered that some of the feeling had returned to my toes and the sole of my foot!

Do you know what it feels like to FINALLY get some signs of progress after 6 weeks?

Let me tell you, it feels good.

When Matt returned home from work, I shared the good news with him and sobbed tears of relief and joy.

My body was literally convulsing from the pure relief that finally there was some improvement.

All I could think was 'FINALLY!!!!!'.

A lot has been learned so far and this is only the beginning of the next exciting stage of my life, which will be more amazing than I can ever imagine!

Stepping out into the future

The neurosurgeon surprised me (in a good way!) by telling me that in the week following my surgery I should be heading out walking. He said to increase by ten minutes each day. So that's what I did. And more!

My lovely mum and I started out small on Day 1 and just walked across the road to the supermarket and back.

On Day 2 we tackled a mall - we took it easy with coffee and lunch stops in between and I felt so liberated to be out in society!

On Day 3 we went to an even bigger mall. After much strategy, we negotiated our way around. And bought a few fun items in the process!

On Day 4 we tackled the park. We walked 1.6 ks in 36 minutes and I was as proud as punch.

On Day 5 we walked 2.0ks and ALSO went to the mall! Wowzers - what a blockbuster day!

On Day 6 and 7 we walked 2.4ks. And today I walked 2.8ks in 50 minutes.

The feeling of getting out and about is good on so many levels. Firstly, it gives me a goal for the day and a clear focus on what I want to achieve. Since I kind of thrive on achieving goals, this is clearly a winning formula for me.

Secondly, the freedom of walking is so incredibly uplifting. One of life's simplest activities is now the highlight of my day! The sunshine, the breeze, the fellow walkers, the greenery. I love it!

Thirdly, I love that with each and every step, I am making my body stronger. While I am walking, I envisage just how far I'll be able to walk by the end of the week / end of the month / in April in Australia / in June in America. It's a fun visualisation process!

With each step, I am creating my future. And it's one I am very excited about!

You can do anything you put your heart, mind and soul into.

Far more than you can imagine.

Be fearless.

Do it.

- LL COOL J

Choosing hope

The news of being told on Sunday that I must go in for an urgent micro-discectomy operation this Thursday has hit me hard.

In the place of hope, positivity and determination, a whole new set of words has filled my mind.

These words circle around and around all day in my mind. The wake me up at night. They remind me why my heart has been heavy and sad for over 4 weeks now. The remind me of why my eyes fill with tears at the drop of a hat and my voice no longer sounds like my own.

The words that have filled my mind since Sunday have been a never-ending stream of :
Surgery; urgent; incisions; discs; recovery; anaesthesia; operation; nerves; lack of feeling; numbness; pain; insurance; hospital; medication; sadness, fear, sorrow, disappointment; exhaustion; intrepidation; apprehension; fatigue.

When I type those words, they roll off my fingers and tongue in an instant. The are just words. But oh boy, those words have changed my paradigm of thinking in a big way. I have cried the saddest of tears as I have struggled to process the changes in my life.

But as of today, I am choosing to firmly compartmentalise the negative thoughts and emotions. I am putting them in a metaphoric box and letting them sail off into the sunset. They are not words or feelings that I have ever associated with myself, and I am not about to let them start to be the forces that shape who I am. They have done that for 3 days and that's already 3 days too many.

As of today, I am making a firm decision, with bold conviction, to choose hope.

I am going to look deep within myself to refocus on hope.
With hope, I believe that I can be carried forward into a life that is even better than my life has previously been.
It is about what fuels the essence of my being.
It is making a choice about what will define me.
It is knowing that hope will give me not only the ability to get through this, but to triumph.
Hope is my choice over any other possibility.

And with hope comes a whole new set of words that will once again fill my mind and shape my path:
Happiness; vision; plans; new goals; strong health; strong mind; conviction; courage; faith; love; belief; dreams; determination; peace; excitement; energy; joy and positivity.

These are the words that represent who I am and how I plan to live my life as I head into surgery, recover from the operation and forge ahead into my life.

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve

Neurosurgeon Eve...

Today is "Neurosurgeon Eve". Not quite as exciting as Christmas Eve, but there is nonetheless a sense of anticipation and nervous excitement involved.

Tomorrow has been a long time coming. When I made the appointment 2 1/2 weeks ago for the first available slot, January 22nd seemed like eons away. I felt sure and confident that I would be healed by then and that I would not even need to attend the appointment. I felt like I had the strength, power and know-how to heal my body in what seemed like the vast amount of time I had.

As the time has drawn closer, I have still held steadfast in the belief that my numbness and pain would be gone by January 22nd. I have certainly made progress. Hello! I can now shower myself and I can even get my pants on by myself as long as I sit down to do it. Major accomplishments in my book. But can I feel my left leg? Not so much. Am I pain-free? Um, next question.

That leaves me with tomorrow's appointment. There are many words to sum up how I am currently feeling: Nervous, curious, morose, interested, excited, teary, faithful, scared, optimistic and apprehensive. That's a cocktail of contradictory emotions right there.

But the overiding feeling is one of fear. The thought of potentially having spinal surgery terrifies me. But that is all I am going to say about that because what will be, will be. The situation is what it is. These things happen for a reason. And let's face it, if I need surgery then I am all for it. I wanna get back to living my full, active life.

I remain glued to the belief that my life is unfolding exactly as it should.

Today's mental goal: "No matter where you are, no matter how difficult things might appear to be, you are always being moved towards magnificence. Always."

Today's physical goals: Today was a very active day (after some days of pretty bad pain). I achieved a trip to the supermarket; a walk to the gym and back; 5 mins pool walking and 30 mins traction; lunch out with a friend. I'm feeling quite good, but my right hip / butt cheek are not my friends at the moment. And neither is my left leg for that matter.

Say a little prayer for me that the neurosurgeon's diagnosis is the best path for me and that it is the one that will lead to me being able to live a full and active life again soon.